The fact that James Franco and Natalie Portman said "yes" to this script can mean only that Danny McBride & Co. have some amazing weed. Because I hate reading books and find such an activity to be an offensive waste of time (I love seeing libraries closing), I enjoyed the film more than I enjoyed Jane Eyre. Though I can't for the life of me comprehend how in the name of hell a movie this bad can get financing, I consider its production and release to be undeniable proof that the movie industry is willing to do what it takes to meet my most basic needs. *1/2
The film began with opening credits, which is a drastic departure from the way Charlotte Brontë began her novel. I struggled to stay awake in the film's molassal middle, which ended when Mr. Rochester uttered the word "taint." There was almost as much underage lesbian sexual tension as there is in an average Rapides Parish Pentecostal church camp. **
The movie won me over with the Greek chorus' gratuitous use of a sparkly blue near-Strat during the eighth montage. The word "damn" is used so many times that I never again need to see The Secret of N.I.M.H. The film gets ***1/2 because it had more gay innuendo than my WMHS junior year French class.
